Non sum qualis eram

Well, I finally made it back home today.  Was out yesterday night after work straight through to about 11 pm.  
It was good.  It was needed.    I managed to have an absolutely peaceful sleep that I can't say I've even come close to for a while, so that was pretty excellent.  It was followed by some pretty excellent hangout time with some people that are very dear to my heart, ending with a dinner over at Joe's with Sarah and her beloved K, who I finally got to meet.   Times were good, and it was nice to get out after my work stint and really just relax and enjoy life.

There was a shoebox sitting on the bed when I came back home and it was an absolute time capsule for me.    I'd already been thinking along nostalgic lines since last night when i was realizing how happy it made me to think that there were people in my life who have just always been around (or have since the beginning of the friendship) and in your life ever since then, and it's not a big effort or a strain.  Just the more you think about it, they haven't missed any big moments in your life since you met em in high school.  And that at least 96% of the memories are great ones.   It's nice when friendship just ebbs and flows but remains a constant, like the waves hitting the beach year after year.    It sits in the back of your head, but it isn't anything to be questioned or tended to.  Just an easy relationship, for the most part.

This particular box had a few movies in it, including some Invader Zim and Edward Scissorhands (didn't know I owned either anymore!) and has a blank videotape as yet to be watched (the mystery meat of the box, I guess).  It has a particularly summery nailpolish I remember painting on super often one summer a long time in the past, and a Wingnut visor I got when I was being a groupie and going to nearly every show my boss' band put on.    I also found my Love notebook.   I usually keep some sort of notebook to scribble things on.  If you were to look at it it probably wouldn't be decipherable.  Just quotes, books, albums to listen to, movies to see, places to go an dthings to do, the start and end of writing projects, little doodles...  To me it was like my whole life from all of that time just came back to me.  It's amazing how different things can be and yet be all the same.  I was reading something I'd written in a place of frustration and lost direction, wanting to know what was going on and how it was going to turn out and just feeling....kinda scared and lost.   And a part of me still is right there, wondering, wanting to know, hoping for something big and bright in that future.

I found old signs of lost loves, and something that reminded me that I've always known that my heart leaves me too easily and is hard to gain back, and to some extent never recovers.   But it reminded me of the part I love about that, too.   I know it gets me in trouble, and I know it sounds cliche, tired and hippie-tastic, but love is like air, we all just need it, and one of my hopes has always been to be the person that tries to live by it....to love and be loved in return, though I have no control over that last part.  And since that notebook I've loved more deeply than I'd even expected possible, and found out what it's like when love gets shoes on it, so to speak.  Messy, unpleasant, horrible at times, but... It's not as if I don't know the pain that comes from it, and it's not like I'm dying to be some doe eyed cupid groupie either, it's just....I think it's worth it, and beyond that, I think people need to know they're loved, in all different sorts of ways.   
So all those negative connotations....heart on the sleeve, naive little girl...fine, i'll take em.  I know where my heart is and isn't, I know what I need and I don't, and I know what's true.  I'm past the point of denying it.
I think something looking through that box taught me is this:  I think even considering the strides in my life i took in new mexico, to some extent i'm still hiding it from where I used to be when I was younger.  
And I don't think it's wisdom, I think it's just...bitterness and lack of tenacity.  And maybe it's time to change that.

That's a lot to find in a shoebox.

Eh, i got motivated and uploaded my city pics, and I even have stuff to say about them. I just...am having allergy issues up to and including not hearing well, scratchy throat and watery eyes.
This, instead of equalling pretty Chicago pictures, equals benadryl and bed.
Sorry.  If anyone wanted to see anyway. :p

Why hallo there, beautiful Bloglanders!

I have run out of iced chai tea, and as such, must somehow make up for it by expending caffeine energy and typing.  Or something. I'm not really sure that made any sense.  

Also, this post is partially for Aunt Mary, who I neglected to get back to for about a week. Sorry, Mary! :(

I just came back from my second visit to River North to interview with Groupon.  By came back I mean I'm not at the building anymore, and am instead sitting at a coffee shop underneath the El station that I'll take back to Union eventually.   First I'm going to have lunch with Ben, though, since he works a block from here.

So, the rundown.  Groupon is a really cool company, started here in Chicago, which basically deals with tourism and other such services in the city.  Not just Chicago anymore, they're in 7 cities, actually.  It started from a different concept called The Point which primarily set up charity fundraisers.  The basic idea is collective buying power.   So for example, they'll be offering you a speedboat tour of Chicago for 25 bucks for a three hour tour (a threeee hourrr tourrrrr ..yeah, I couldn't help it...) that would normally cost 55 bucks.   If say, 50 people sign up for the deal, then bam, you have a more than 50% discount and you're cruisin Da Lake at high speeds.    They do restaurants, Wrigley rooftop stuff, spas, you name it.  Stuff that's fun in the city.  

Annnnd I'm working on getting in with them.  The office is in the old Montgomery Ward warehouse right on the river, and you could throw stones to Kendall College which is a school I'm looking at heavily for my culinary degree.  In fact, the main contact I have at Groupon was joking that sometimes they throw stones at Kendall for fun. :P  (Do ya see why I love these people already?)

So today was the second interview.  I tend not to post about stuff like that til I have the verdict, but argh, this place is win.   The location is in River North, I can take the Metra over to the Brown Line and hop out and hoof it a few blocks to work.  I do love the Metra so. It's the only moving vehicle I can sleep on, and there's something I perhaps romanticize in my head (not just one thing, I do that alot) about my own soundtrack playing to the rocking of the train watching all the buildings come into view, or looking in the turquoise and green and sometimes broken windows coming into Union Station wondering what used to be there and what might still be inside.  
River North is home to tons of galleries, Rumba, the club that we went to to learn salsa and merengue for Debbie's bachelorette party, and any other number of awesome things, including the Kitsch'N River North location.  

Oh yeah, and here's a kicker for those of you who know me.  Aside from their excellent sense of humor, gorgeous offices and supply of Pepsi (yayyy), they are also a 98% Mac exclusive office.  They have "a PC or two, collecting dust in the corner" because a few banks just won't allow Mac access, but other than that, it's all Apples, all the time.   And I can log in from home to their system to do work on the weekends or whatnot answering emails.

So to review, awesome customer service job dealing with awesome stuff in my favorite city in the world, Mac exclusive, excellent location, near the school I want to learn to be a chef at. 
Sweet deal.
Now comes some more waiting, some more hoping and with any luck, perhaps a triumphant post in the near future.

For now,  I must pack the Mac and look for Ben's building.  Lunch with an architect. Yayy! :)
See you all on the flip side.
Picture post later.  Turns out I didn't have nearly as much time as I hoped before I had to get goin'. :D

*hophophop*
That's either the caffeine talking or the excited/nervous jitters. 

So this goes out to anyone who's ever teased me for my particular hangup regarding eyeballs.  As I have been quoted saying a million times..."Why do you have to mess with eyeballs?? Why can't they just STAY IN EVERYTHING'S HEADS LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO WITHOUT ANYONE MESSING WITH EM???"
I can't say I'm really sure where I got the hangup, but really.   I can't stand eyeballs doing anything but looking eyebally in someone's head.  It drives me crazy.  I can't fight the urge to look away any time someone goes towards their eyeball in any sort of poking motion.  Or towards any eyeball with any poking motion, really.

So anywho...
I work at a seafood place, eh?  (Not sure why the eh thing keeps happening, just go with it)
And to be honest, seafood has a history of being served in such a way that it is normally still looking at you when you eat it.  At least quite a bit of it.  Does anyone remember that crazy baby octopus thing from that restaurant with Celia?  Oh man..Cherie...it was really funny...you had a picture of it...I know I'd already be laughing if I could remember what we named it...

So anyway, some lady ordered crawfish.  Now, crawfish are totally down home creatures.  Mudbugs, crayfish....nothing about them screams "fancy".  And that's cool.  Most of the time, the people ordering them like them because of that.  They're familiar with em from growing up even.  Point being, you might order lobster having never had it before but it's less likely you do that with crawfish.   And there's a way to eat crawfish.  twist em apart and, if you REALLY wanna go crazy, suck the um, brainy stuff....from the heads. That's the hard core way.   Tails are fine, for those of us not willing to eat brains til we're undead.

Anyway, this lady orders them with the specification that all eyeballs be removed from those and her two lobsters.   Oh yeah.   And so two waitresses making 4.50 an hour are stooping over the expo counter with forks, crab zipper points and steak knives.  De-eyeballing the things.  Oh yeah.  One POUND of crawfish.  That's a lot of little eyeballs.  It is a PILE of little beady eyeballs.   A PILE OF EYEBALLS.
Then I see em go for the lobster.  I had to look away.  
PILE OF EYEBALLS!

I'm just...really skeeved out.
And for anyone about to yell at me for telling this horrible tale of eyeballs....you could have looked away!

I'm not sure what exactly a case of the Mondays entails when you're not a 9 to 5 cuber.   Granted, I worked today, but it's not terribly work related.  I was sitting on 94, terribly surprisingly because of construction and just feeling restless.   Got my whole Ipod and nothing to listen to, got my day off ahead of me tomorrow and Wednesday and nothing I really want to do with em...just one of those times. 

I was lookin' off into the distance trying to make this place seem remotely interesting and found myself to be daydreaming it was Rte 25 between Albuquerque and Socorro.  That drive got old sometimes too, cuz there's really only one way between the two but it's far *less* old because it's not filled with construction and because of the sunrises and sunsets I saw over the mountains when me or Bill were being driven or driving to or from the airport, or the way the fog would kinda hang over the mesas and down by the river at certain times of day.   Or the little Sonic I sometimes stopped at on the way from one or the other.  I don't remember what town it was even in.  

But, it's hard not to get nostalgic in general.  Hell, I'll walk into the cooler at work and it will smell like lemons, milk and fish (yes i know, ew) and think of Los Alamos and the Smith's there.  Not that I terribly loved working a seafood counter at the same time I baked, it just reminds me of "home".   It was weird, my friend Cvetomila (really. I love her name. Mila for short, but stil..) said she didn't think here was home for me.   And she didn't mean it *that* way but I had to chuckle because it's weird that it really isn't.

I think i was a bit grumpy today in general. Combination of knowing it'll take more time than I want to do what I need to do, and the job thing, and the whole Staycation thing.  I called like 4 people I really wanted to hang out with on this whole stint of having the place to myself and none called back.  Though I got a response later tonight, after I find out I'll only have the place to myself from Friday through the 6th, during which time, of course, I work nights.  Yeah.

I was kinda looking forward to playing it up as vacation. Movie marathons and dinner nights and all that, like I had a place of my own. I'm more bummed out than you know to not really have it.   I will have to see what I can make of what I do have. 

I will say, last night was fun.  Met Ben and Steve at Red Star, we had a lil' food and drink and moved along to the Cubby.  The Cubby feels as close to my place as it gets out here, so I was glad to end the night there.

I just feel morose and like this week and these next few days off are gonna be boring and spent without friends.  
Beh.

Whatever.  Could just be tonight.
I just wish I could go to the Cap and remedy those feelings.

So I feel really compelled to be writing this right now.  I think sometimes you lose track of what's important, and I don't really want to miss the chance to acknowledge things like that.

I was just cruising my normal internet things after having talked to a few friends tonight, and I came across this entry from a blog I randomly started following a while back.  (I just stumbled on her, and she was funny and endearing and as it turned out, absolutely poignant and honest.)
http://miss-britt.com/2009/06/murder-in-parkersburg-iowa/comment-page-1/#comment-46682

Anyway, I stopped what I was doing to read it and didn't quite get through it without tears in my eyes.   I don't really know anyone involved, I don't know the town, the closest to Iowa I get is knowing someone who was born there and who has family there still.   But read the story of this man, and find out what a hero is.   Everyone and their left uncle (yes, left uncle) is out there talking about the loss of Michael Jackson and Farrah.   And yes, they had an impact with their celebrity, they will both be missed.   I don't want to take away from that either, but when I read this I thought "how many of these people pass away every day without anyone telling their story?"
I'm glad Britt did, for one.  

It made me think about a lot of things.   People in my life who are absolutely important.   The people who, as she mentioned, actually stop to CARE about what someone responds after they ask them how they're doing.  And not only that, who don't stop caring, even if it's in the small ways.  Those people that changed your life in one way or another and never try to take credit for it.    The band teacher who guides you to safe harbors through your preteen years and lets you talk to them when you're as lonely as you've ever been and don't understand why.  The other, years later, who lets you sit in their office and cry about a loss you've never fully dealt with properly, who tells you you are safe there as long as you like but who encourages you to go to the gathering in the school psychologist's office because you may just not be alone, and who years later opens their home to you on the way back from the hardest day of your life, having not seen you for years. Makes you dinner, watches crazy comedians and history in the making with you, and does it all with a smile.   For someone who holds your hand and tells you what's on your heart when you're too scared to not deny it, the same person who deals with all your idiosyncrasies, protects you, kisses your forehead and hugs you tighter when you're, years later, in a bar slightly tipsy dealing with that same loss saying that everyone's gonna leave.    Or the man who just so happens to show up at every random event when you feel like you're gonna collapse and never recover.  Who stopped a little thirteen year old girl alone in the front of a church and just let her cry for what seemed like forever.  Didn't pray, didn't pry, didn't do anything but hold on.

Aren't those the ones who are really larger than life?  The true celebrities?   I think they should be.   I think this guy was.  And tonight, I'm thinking I'd love to hug the stuffing out of all of you who've made an impact on my life like that, not just the four I was referring to.

This is probably gonna be a little bit of everything.  Verbal Stew, as I used to say.

The obvious: Michael Jackson died. It's strange.  I gotta say it was a bit of a shock, not that i was terribly attached or anything. I liked his older stuff. Billie Jean was my favorite, but I remember wanting to learn how to moonwalk when I was little and trying to do the Thriller dance.  That's just the music most people my age grew up on.  Heck, I wasn't  *around* for the Jackson 5 stuff, but I've got fond memories of the ABC song and all that.   Just an interesting event, passing of a pop icon, however strange the icon became later on.

The cool: For 13 bucks you can have a pretty good run of fun.  Went with Antal to Independence Grove and we canoed, then I jumped in the lake (and lake forest tried to suck the life out of me, which I'm fighting, more on that if people want to know).   Then we got pizza!  For serious.  8 bucks an hour for canoeing.  The paper said for 2 hours, actually, but the website says for one, so we were never sure.   It was quite a bit of fun.  I really like canoeing. It took me a while to figure it all out again.  I'm glad I did because I'll need to if I get to go on my Des Plaines river canoeing trip for the 4th. It's only in the am to 2 pm.  I'm doubting i'll be able to go though, cuz unfortunately, money has been nothing but trouble this month.  

The PAY ATTENTION TO THIS PART part:

I am having a staycation.   That's right.
In light of me being pretty unmonied, but having a five day span of having this apt. to myself, July 1-5, I decided to make it mine by doing a "staycation"

I want to do game nights ,movie marathons, dinners in, etc etc.  I bought a few things I can cook or make snacks with.   I may work a few of those nights, but I'd really like to see people.  I won't have a ton of gas money, if any at all, so I'm really gonna need people to want to see me enough to come out on their own.   The train station is right there, guys.  A two minute walk in a park to my place if you get off at the Deerfield stop.     I'd really like it to be a lot of fun, and I'd really like to have friends come to it, because although I *can* have fun doing these things by myself, it's more fun to share it with people.

So...any takers?  I know it could be a lot of fun with the right people.   I 'm being real and expecting to have to self-entertain if I have to, cuz I know situations/busy/etc.... but I have hope.  So....comment if you're in the area and you're not horribly opposed?

Wow, today made me miss NM pretty bad.
Turns out Ana was stuck to me because there WERE huge storms brewing.
I love my kitteh and all but at some point, when it's SO humid you drip from laying still even WITH A/C on, the fur does not seem charming.   But, eh, I'm a pushover for cuddly kitties.

When I left for work, it was calm and 91, with like, 2 million percent humidity.  I *really* hate the weather here. I *really* miss the desert.  At least I'd be DRY and hot.  I hate the "i think I can drink the air" thing.  *H*A*T*E*

While we're at it, since 6/6 roads I can take from home to Joe's are under construction (yes, really)....I have to try and guess the lesser of six evils.  Today I tried 43.  And 40 minutes later, I was still only in the neighboring town.  With no A/C. Standing still in traffic. Melting, cursing Illinois.   Worrying about being late to work and actually feeling really ill for some reason. (It went away but for about ten minutes I thought I was gonna hafta call in)

Work was uninteresting until Hurricane Gurnee hit.  4 inches of rain in an hour, 75 mph sustained winds, hail, lightning like crazy...I was out in it for about two minutes and couldn't hear, see, and was nearly lifted off the ground when my umbrella flipped outward and caught the winds.   The sky was actually green, but I guess Kenosha got the tornado.  It was *INTENSE*.   Perhaps Ana really does know her weather.
There's flooding all over the place, though the Des Plaines is not supposed to crest in Gurnee til...well about now.  That storm didn't really cool things down, just made it more muggy, so melted my way through a long day with very few tables and meandered home.

I admit, i was cranky going in and moreso going out, but i had fun with my tables, even if some of the time I had to convince them we were NOT going to Oz.

On the way home I heard some Father's Day commercial and realized I'd completely ignored it.  Well, forgotten is more like it.   The other day someone brought it up and I seriously had spaced it.   I don't feel weird til everyone starts to talk about it, and then I do.   Sometimes I feel really sad, sometimes just left out, sometimes just odd because I've never had anything to do that day.    The more I think about it, the more I feel sad moreso than left out.   I'm working on Father's Day, for a few hours, that should keep some of that out of my head.   Still though...it's weird.  It's one day I've always been on the outside looking in.    Even when I had a stepdad, it was weird, but perhaps less so.  I dunno.  Just...weird.  It's like a struggle between "If it's never been there how can you miss it" and "I hate the hole it leaves, and I wish I had someone to celebrate".
*shrug*

Anyway, seems the skies were sewn back up.  That was a gorgeous, if scary, storm.
Time to cuddle the less neurotic cat and sleep.

How's it going?
I hope everyone else had a nice weekend.   Aside from a few interludes at the Crab Shack, things were pretty excellent for me this weekend.  I had a really good time.

Saturday I got invited by some of my mom's friends to go see Twelfth Night at the Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier downtown.   I was excited about it right away, even just at the prospect of getting back to downtown Chicago.   I couldn't remember whether or not I'd read 12th Night, and to be honest I was hoping it'd be lighthearted enough to be fun.   I think if it wouldn't have been a comedy I'd have been in trouble, just because of the mood I've been in of late.    But that it is.

I rushed out of work (another terrible shift) and we got dressed and headed to mom's friends' house and got on our way.   Got downtown while it was still light and tried to get out to Cafe Bebop at my suggestion,  because I used to love the live blues music and the atmosphere there.   I had *just* asked someone about that place not too long ago.  Turns out it has closed down.   Times they are a changin'.   So we went out to the Billy Goat Tavern instead.   CHEEZBORGER CHEEZBORGER CHEEZBORGER!!!  It was the one on Navy Pier, not the one under the overpass on Illinois and Michigan, but it was still a fun place, if loud.    They have VERY nice cheezborgers. :P.    Weirdly, this one had PEPSI, not coke, which is totally not in following with the famous SNL skit. Oh well.    I watched the Cubs game cuz I couldn't hear anyone say anything anyway.    It was nice, but not nearly the best time I've had at the Billy Goat. 

Anyway, after feeling stupidly overdressed for the Goat, I finally felt normal when we got to the theater.  They have wonderful box seats dead center to the stage.   The play was INCREDIBLE.  The whole cast was hysterical.  It's so different to see a shakespeare play than to READ a shakespeare play.  And 12th Night was awesome.  The guy who played the fool, Feste, had me and my mom in tears laughing so hard.  "BY THE LORD MADAM YOU HAVE DONE ME WRONNNNG!"  Afterwards, we lingered for a little while at Navy Pier, outside, looking at the reflections of the buildings on the lake and taking pictures.  

So without further ado.....
( Twelfth Night on Navy Pier )

I don't know what's gotten into me tonight.  And maybe not just tonight, but the past few days....
It's come in waves, and for some reason today it just bubbled over, so to speak.

I feel like I need to do something.  I mean REALLY do something.  I question myself so often.  What am I actually good at? I know the things people tell me I'm good at, but are they too close to it to know that I'm no better at anything else than anyone else.  Does it matter if you're better than anyone else at anything else? I guess I do have an internal drive to be the best at what I do, but I don't really feel competitive.  I just want to know in myself that what I'm doing is...of note.  That it can affect someone in a positive way, that it can reach them somehow.

It's how I approach anything I have any passion for, really.   I was thinking about that today when I was planning to make fajitas for dinner and trying to come up with a nice matching side.   For me, it's a matter of art.    I want it to be this palette of color and flavor, to look good and really BE good.   I was thinking about the lake and the pictures I'd seen at the art fair here in Deerfield on Sunday.  How the pictures I like best I like because they touch you on some level, and that when I take pictures, when I really get out there and get the ones I want, it always has some kind of meaning attached.  Started wandering the depths of my mind about my fascination with dead trees and abandoned buildings and how much I really would like to get a great camera (or a better one at least) and try.  Just go out and do it.   Start to go after those beautiful breakdowns out there.  

It just kind of spills out everywhere though.  I said to Jon tonight...I kind of want to just find a way to be the Musician Chef Photogwriter.  I don't know how to make that what I do for a living, but man if I could.  If i could wrap all those passions in one little ball and make it....work.  I could do it forever. 

I was at Joe's the other night and I stepped into the main cooler to grab some creamer for a table, and wouldn't you know I was overwhelmed with the not so distant past.   Because it smelled like seafood and dairy.  It's actually not a pleasant smell, but it reminded me of lonely nights at the Smith's in Los Alamos.  It reminded me of the older woman who worried about me not eating more meals than lunch who would pour me a glass of whole milk and eye me til I drank it all before we changed shifts.  It reminded me of the guy who broke the silence one day.  The meek one with the glasses in the produce department, who would actually shift the apples so they caught the light sometimes because he was that meticulous.  I never knew what to do with it.  Was it sad that he cared so much in a place where nobody cared about him?  Did his actions matter?  I remember him sitting down at the table WITH me up in the break room at that Smith's.  He talked TO ME.  It was just weather, where we'd come from and work things.  But I had felt so isolated.  I was working two jobs. Baking all morning and fishing all night.  And the fish thing, was NOT pleasant.  It was SO unpleasant... blech.  But i learned, and I did it.

Months later, that man roared.  He stared at his feet in the bakery I worked at, shifted his glasses nervously, and spoke.
He was a three times published poet.   And though his voice was meek as he was, his words were anything but.  
The passion absolutely flooded out of him. 
Every apple he turned to catch the light was a flash in the pan compared to the way everything just took light when he spoke.    And he spoke about "painting the paint"- being so immersed in something that you want to go deeper and deeper.
I want to have an impact like that one day.
I want to be the produce guy who can't look you in the eye but can get straight to your soul.


Today, I caught a glimpse of a photo Kija took of a New Mexico sunset.
It took my breath away.  I remember those mesas, the horizons on fire, the way everything took that purple cast at the overlook when I'd sit by myself.   I remember being barefoot at Tsankawi and the way it felt.
And today, when I was making fajitas and playing with chiles and warming tortillas, I was thinking of the colors of Fiesta in Santa Fe and the smells of autumn roasting chiles.....
And I realized, that's home.   That's still home.   I don't know how, because I can't say I grew up there.
I just know that's where I found myself and where I can't wait to return to.  
I know that it's not good enough for me to just put it to "some day when I retire"
No.

I want that back.

But that aside....
I also want to get all this...out of me.  I want to stop having random thoughts leave my head because I won't write them down.  I don't know why I stopped.
I think I fear it all right now.  I know that not everything in me is light and airy and I'm afraid to spill it all out of its neatly contained glass jar, y'know?

I won't lose the fact that I was happy today though.  I was happy to put together the  meal I did, it got some of the energy out.... I was happy to feel like there was someone in the world that knew me stupidly well, even now.   I was happy to remember what I loved and know that I know what I want.

And now...I'm going to be happy to watch some Criminal Minds and sleep.

In the vein of what I was saying last night about Up and how the little things are what you remember....

I guess I have some mental duct tape goin' tonight.  Somethin' so stuck to my head that the onlyt hing I can do is rip it right off in order to hope to sleep.

I remember really distinctly one night at the Cap.  There was a live band, and I was up there goofin' off, dancing with Lewis.   Later on I was playing a pool game with some out of towners, which was fairly unusual since I almost always played groogle or random people that were regulars, seeing as how I wasn't very awesome.  (Though I got a lot more awesome thanks to groogs, but I digress)

Anyway, I remember thinking to myself "So this is my life now?"
But...usually when people ask themselves that's question, it's in distaste.  In this case, I was thinking it in the exact opposite way. 
I was standing at the table taking my shot, listening to music and remembering being out on a teeny little dance floor in a bar in the middle of nowhere and being totally happy with life right then.  I can't pinpoint it, but I'm fairly sure I didn't have much money, if any.  My car was probably still broken down.  Life was totally not great, but it was awesome.    At that point, i was grateful to be in that bar in the middle of nowhere, soaking up the music and dancing with my friends, or talking with the "out of towners".   I felt like an "in towner" and I was happy.   And y'know, I ahd this group of crazy friends I KNEW I would see day in and day out.   Maybe that's kinda boring.
Not to me though.

I miss those swinging doors, the crazy neck raspberries, the cool to freezing cold patio nights and the stupid propane heaters that only groogs could work most of the time.  I miss Erin and Brian and Lewis and the rest. :)

And as simple as it seems, and as "unproductive" as it may be....I remember that exact feeling.  That I was just happy.

*riiiiip*

That's all.  It's not a down on here, or a depressio entry.  It's just a flash of a moment.  One I really liked.

It's in the going home that it would turn into something else.

here at my laptop.

So, I know there was better ways to say all this, but tonight was pretty excellent.
I missed my train, which was not as excellent, but I drove out to Round Lake anyway so I could catch Up with Patty and Doug.
Aside from loving them both to pieces, which I do, the movie...wow.

I have loved a lot of Pixar films, and a lot have had something real to say, but this movie...I hate to sound strange, since it's a "kid's" movie.  But...this movie, like a lot of Pixar's stuff, has something real to say, and it really looks at, to me, the essence of what love really is, and the lessons you have to learn about being able to let go of the past.   It was absolutely wonderful.  It made me, at least, laugh and cry, nearly equal time on both.   It's just...one of those things.  You kinda wish anyone you cared about was there for it.  And two people I did were.  

But...I dunno. It's hard to explain. You really oughta see it.   I highly suggest it.  Strongly. 
I want to see it again, truth be told.  At the very least, I thought it would be a fun movie, and I thought it'd be kinda amusing to see Dug the dog with Doug the person.  (I know, I'm weird, but stuff like that amuses me, and Dug the dog's good naturedness and lightheartedness recall the real Doug's.)   I knew it'd be amusing at least a little.  But wow.  It's just...more.    It really looks at what it's like to yearn for someone and to lose someone and to love them intensely. I totally had "something in my eye" more than a few times.   And something else that stuck with me was this adventure book and then, the little boy randomly saying that you don't realize it's in the boring, mundane stuff.  That's what sticks with you, when someone is gone away from you.   And it's true.  It's not necessarily those powerhouse moments you miss, it's the little stuff like a bowl of popcorn and a movie, or a stroll across town.  Nothing fantastic or life-changing, but it's always that you miss. 
Anyway, again, and I'll say it fifty more times, go see Up.    It's worth it.

After Up we went to Applebee's.  I think it's lots more fun anywhere you go when you're with friends, and silly ones at that.   It just felt nice to relax and really be with people without thinking about it.  I guess I overthought it too much beforehand and was worried things would be strange, and they turned out to only be delightfully strange.

The night could probably have ended there, and I'd have already been totally happy, but it didn't.  I ended up out at the Cubby Bear North, with Meghan and Michelle to see 16 Candles.  They are an amazing 80's cover band that you cannot help but have fun with.  They're super talented, absolutely sillly, and just..liven everyone up.   Cubby was almost at capacity when we got there. I've not seen it like that in years.  It still felt homey though.  Not quite like the cap, but pretty damn good regardless.   I rocked out for quite a while before saying goodnight.  There's somethign about friends, good music, and a great place that make the night end off great.

I'm really glad I got the chance to fit all that into one night.   I wish I was still out at Cubby and I wish a few more people had been along for the whole night.

But enough wishing, time to sleep.

I lied, cuz we went out to Union Grove and to the Veteran's Memorial cemetery to find my great uncle's gravesite.
I took two pictures from the cemetery, his headstone isn't done yet, and the pic I took of that didn't turn out.
However, I've always felt like these pictures say something.



I'll let you figure out how you feel about it. :)

Not going to be here long...
Just was thinking about today and before we head up to Union Grove to see my great-uncle's gravesite with my grandma, I figured I'd say my official Happy Memorial Day.

I've gotten a lot of different perspective on the holiday from some of the actual veterans we're supposed to be celebrating (you know, instead of the start of grilling/pool season).    I know of at least one who hates even being thanked.  
Either way, the way I see it is this.
Regardless of if you agree about whether or not anyone should have been out there most recently, or heck, out there at all ever....
Not everyone can handle it.   If you ask me, it sucks anyone has to in the first place, but there's some thanks to be said regardless of who gets mad if you say them (in my case, that matters less than ever, because the person who would probably respond in anger is already not speaking to me, so oh well).   Because well, whether a soldier agrees with what they're doing or doesn't, they're going out there putting their lives on the line. 

Anymore it's hard to get people to jeopardize their free time, so....I'm thinking that it's pretty important either way.
It's rough, and as time has taught me, they don't get a lot back for it.
In fact, they get a lot of hell on this side of things too, later on. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure I could do it.  At one point in my life I thought I would, but it didn't turn out that way. 
So Happy Memorial Day, and I hope everyone has fun barbecuing and whatnot.
And thanks to anyone who is or was out there in the armed forces.  

Now it will be slightly biased. :D
(yeah, you have to read the title to complete the thought.  I make you work for it.  I make you read WORDS, lots of words.  Though in honesty, nobody has to.  If words are too much, move on!
Weird mood, we'll attribute it to that.

Anyway, so I had this little exercise I wanted to do with myself (which sounds a little...um, strange) but I had been putting off for a bit. 
And so...

But today happened, and it correlates, so there.

I was just ruminating over something.  Can you be proud of something you didn't create and that you weren't a part of for very long?   I mean, is it strange to say that you are proud of something of that nature? 
I don't care one way or another if it is today.  Today, I am proud of Socorro.
See, Lewis, one of my awesomest (free license to abuse grammar=neverending here on LJ) friends EVAR, but especially one of my awesomest NM friends...he was on a bike tour cross country.  He's been over hill and dale and whatever else might be there to be over and under and through and around and up on across at below between by down for....from........(lapsed into the preposition song...sorry)

But today he hit a hard spot, rather literally. He had a bike wreck.  I'm sad for him because I know how badly he wanted to keep going on this trip, but I'm happy he's decently ok.  He did break his thumb at the wrist area, and so it looks like he may not be able to finish the tour. i was inspired just by his amazing amount of guts to get rid of everything holding him back and go for it, to just bike and camp and explore the US.  I was hanging on every word in his journal along the way, hoping he'd find whatever he was looking for and then some cuz the man deserves it.
So it's bittersweet that he may be going home to Socorro.  

It was neat to see how everyone responded though.  I saw Danny's post and then from there it seemed like people were really trying to help from wherever they could, on FB and elsewhere.  Talked to Bill who was also tryin' to help, and in talking to him again, thinking about him heading back to Socorro, realized something. He couldn't be in a better home town.   That's a community.   People rally around each other.   I was at first worried about would he have somewhere to stay etc etc and then I realized....not only is he an extremely awesome person, but it's just that kind of town. The kind where people would and will open their homes, cook someone a meal, buy em a beer, fix their bike/car....recommend em for odd jobs...and I love that.   I was thinking about it and going "ya know, it still lives up to its name, since it means help".   It helped me, and hopefully I helped in that town at least a little bit.  It may not be super fancy, or super populated, but there's a really core group of great people.   I so miss that.  When you fall, literally or figuratively, no matter how bad...that town is there to fall back on.   Not without its problems or its bad parts, of course.  Some would say the bad outweighs the good even, but I've never felt more home in a town than I did there.   And that's not just because of who I was living with.  It's about the whole community, which...well, its home base is the Cap.  There's town upon town here in IL, but I defy you to find another like that.    And I can already hear people telling me I'm naive/rose-colored glasses/ungrateful.  Whatev.  I know what I know in my heart, and I know I'm  lucky to have been a part of it, and one day I'd be lucky to come back to it.   And even if Lewis didn't want to go back just yet, I just know that he'll be welcomed back in such a big way, and he'll be ok.   Nice to know.

Anyway, here's my deal to myself.  To avoid being so melancholy (which has been hard) I was going to do a ten and ten.   10 things I love about NM and to be balanced, 10 I love about Chicago.   
We all know where my heart is, but part of your heart, as I remembered again today, is with everyone you care about, and so some of that is here in IL.

TEN AND TEN!

Ten Things I Love About New Mexico....
1.  Socorro.  Greatest town I've lived in. Not necessarily the most entertaining, prettiest or non-dysfunctional, but the best community.  Great people.  Oh, and some of the best food ever.
2.  Sunsets.  Oh my gosh, I miss the neverending sky and the amazing colors. Year round, purples oranges blues, yellows...it's amazing.  I remember taking pictures from the Soco walmart one day cuz it was just too pretty. Made going to Walmart less hellish.
3.  Mountains, mesas, canyons, deserts.....oh my God...literally...it was just amazing.  The way thunderstorms sit on the tops of the mountains and hide them, the sunsets over them, being up at the tops....climbing, san lorenzo, that one Christy and all of us went to... fabulous
4. Green chile.  I think sometimes I phantom smell roasting green chiles....I really do.  Good sweet lord do I love me some chiles. 
5. The people.  Not just in Socorro, but everywhere.  They seem helpful.  RELAXED....like they live instead of rushing from one appointment to another.  Where being busy is no indication of social status, nor something to be desired.
6. The weather.  No frigid below zero sprees.  Dry heat. Yes, dry heat exists.  Long sunny days.  Very little rain (more in socorro) but when the rain comes, it's super cleansing and refreshing.  Hot hot days and cool nights.
7. Kija and David and of course of course Bill, and Lewis and Siebas and Tomas and Linda Lou and Georgie and Erin and Vanessa and Christine and....yeah..  Mary....and Terry and ....yeah.
8. Social status-what's that?  I can't say I notice too much division between money and no money, black and white, navajo, mexican, etc etc.  There's tensions, sure, but when it comes down to it, gucci isn't gonna impress anyone.  or your porsche, or your navigator.  Does the car run? K, good.
9. History- this place is old. Has a rich history, Spain, Mexico, early America....and it's easy to find.
10. New traditions to explore, new legends, all that.  It's all good. 

10 Things I love about Chicago....

1. the city.   I'm sorry, Albuquerque.  It's fun to *say* albuquerque, and to spell it...but Chicago...yeah.  My kind of town.  If you can't find it in the Chi, it may not be worth finding.
2.  convenience.  It's a blessing and a curse, but you really can't go 80 miles without a gas station. 
3. Walgreens.  I'm sorry I love that there's a bajillion and they're 24 hours.  I really do.  Omg, i do.  I could go now!!! And it'd take five minutes!
4. Grass, lots of trees.   I do love the desert, but every so often I'd go on NMT's campus and kick off my sandals and walk in the grass just cuz I missed it.  And hello goat's heads, ow. You cannot be a barefoot hippie in NM.  You can be a hippie, but with chunky sandals.
5. Music.  From concerts to ensembles I play in, I have the world on a platter here.  You don't really skip Chicago on a tour, y'know?   And if you do, you'll probably hit IN or WI, and that's close.
6.  Family.  It's nice to be around Grandma, and be there for Mom if I can be.   Good times.  Even when they're irritating times.  :)  Or sad times.
7.  Family.  Patty, Cherie...the whole gang. You all know who you are.  You're never just a past guys, you're an always.
8.  Job market, while not AS good as i expected, is at least better here, even now.  Better here isn't saying much, but it's better.
9. Lake Michigan. In case I didn't say so, I love it.  Like a giant serene ocean.  I adore being on the rocks watching the moon light up the water, or during the day watchin' the sailboats, or bein' on em.   I just love that lake.
10. Deep dish pizza, hot dogs, maxwell polish, real real greek food, dog and suds....we have very nice food.  a lot of it is available 24/7.   Entertainment....also 24/7, and easier to get to sometimes. :)  oh yeah, and our train system does not suck at all. 

So there ya go.

So hello.
Radio silence has been my modus operandi for the last week or so.  It's been busy in weird ways, since I hadn't actually been working, but the funeral prep and everything had us running around some.

Tuesday we went out to Kenosha to get things situated at the funeral home.  If you have to die and you need to have a funeral, I'd say these are about the nicest people you could possibly hope for.  I hope no one needs to use them but if you do, Piasecki's is wonderful. I think they really helped keep my mom and grandma more at east than normal.  

I had to search a little to find my great uncle's son, but I ended up finding grandma a number and she called right away. It made me wonder why I haven't followed up on the lead from that same source on my half brother. I guess I'm afraid to get it wrong? Or right? I don't know exactly.  Anyway, it worked out and as it turns out, Gabriel's son is pretty awesome.    While they were funeral arranging, I was out at the lake, which was...really nice. It was somewhere around 74 and sunny and blue-skied and the time to myself on my favorite rock in the middle of the lake was really nice. I always feel so calmed and happy when I'm out there. I just love it.  I always used to go there to sort things out.   The funny thing is I don't necessarily have any massive revelations when I'm there, it just turns out that when I leave a weight is lifted somehow.  At least for a little while.

The rest of the week sorta whipped by.  No work, but lots of other stuff.
Thursday I made Grandma and I a baked lemon pasta which sounded odd to me at first but turns out to be delicious and tastes like spring, if something can taste like spring.  The Pioneer Woman hasn't let me down yet. I highly recommend you look her up if you like cooking.

Friday was the funeral AND Debbie's wedding. 
The funeral was interesting.  It was awkward, hard, good and bad all at once.   It was not a very big turnout, which I thought was slightly sad.   I did get to meet and remeet lots of relatives, and that was a good thing.  My grandma's sister hasn't seen me since I was tiny, and so it was nice to get to know her when I'd remember her.  I met a bunch of first cousins, including Gabriel's son, Gabriel.    He is quite nice, along with his wife.  Apparently they're such Aerosmith fans they named their son Tyler after Steven Tyler (so is that genetic then?).   I saw how hard it was for him, and I wished I knew him better so that I could...help productively?   The only thing I did do was help get new flowers after I discovered that 1 800 Flowers screwed everything up on us for the only flowers that were there.   The funeral home helped us get new flowers on about two hours notice, and the florist felt bad about our problems with 1 800 Flowers so they gave us a really big nicer arrangement for no extra charge.

The service was really nice. Grandma's priest did the service at the funeral home, and then they brought in the Air Force to do the honor guard and all.   Grandma, Theresa and Gabriel were seated in front but we were right behind them.
Every single motion is calculated and has meaning behind it, and it's hard to get through.  When they first came in, it was so quiet....you could hear the creaking of the fabric as they slowly saluted when they arrived at the casket.   They folded the big flag draped over the casket, and each airman involved brought the flag to their heart.  The last one knelt in front of Gabriel and started out saying "On behalf of the President of the United States of America and a grateful nation...."  and when he said it, it meant something to him ,because there were tears in the airmen's eyes, and you could see a faltering in his chin and hear it in his voice...and everyone lost it.  Those who hadn't already, at least.   It's a very powerful, emotional ceremony.  They did the 21 gun salute and then they closed the funeral.

After we got out we went to the Fireside in Kenosha for lunch.   I had hoped to sit a little more mixed up than we did so I could more easily talk to the people I didn't know, but hey, it was still fun.  I wouldn't *necessarily* go out of my way to eat there again though...just sayin'.
We left in what I thought was plenty of time for me to get back to RL for Deb's wedding.  Got to Patty's about 15 minutes past when the service started, but they said perhaps it started late.  It had already started when we got there, but...we snuck in the back. Also, was a Catholic wedding...they're long.
I was so happy to see Debbie and Yimi together.  The priest was unintelligible, and made more sense in Spanish, but meh. 
The reception was at Jerry's Parkway by the Lake, which is sooo nice now!  Who knew? Last I'd been there it hadn't been touched, now it's the "best reception hall in Mchenry and Lake County" (didn't say voted by whom but there were tons of signs)
I didn't stay real late, because I thought I'd be on a double shift today.  
And that's that.
I'm still terribly tired and plagued with some headaches. The emotional drain is probably helping with that, but I'm hoping i"m not also getting sick.

Meanwhile, here's some lake pictures, one pasta picture, and some of patty's creatures.
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I hope all the mommas who I'm friends with had a great day.
more about life tomorrow.
I'm too exhausted, though I have lots to say about the concert and all.
Grandma is doin' ok, though worried, but today was nice.
tomorrow starts a lot of work funeral planning and a lot of trips to kenosha.
I think I should sleep before I drive out there.

Well, I'm here.
It's Saturday.
I'm not at the clarinet masterclass, but honestly....sometimes you have to cut yourself a break.   I don't feel particularly like sitting in a room for a lecture about playing for an hour and a half before rehearsal today.  Sorry.  I didn't let the whole upset yesterday get to me enough to do anything stupid like call into work, but the truth is, I didn't get much sleep, and last night was busy, I was just exhausted.

Turns out Mom and Grandma have no food in the house anyway, so they needed to grocery shop. If I'd have left earlier they couldn't have gone to the store, so...maybe it's a good deed.  What started out as a fight this morning (one that was a wake up and fight, which I am never good with.  NEVER wake me up to fight with me, it just goes sour faster than you could ever imagine)  turned into something that maybe won't suck, but I'm not sure.

I'm starting to feel like there's no point in me being out here.   I had that feeling last night.   I haven't gotten a job I couldn't have gotten in NM (ie, a good job) I'm just a waitress.  I'd really need a full time job to make ends meet better...and if I do that, there goes school, because that's during the day, when all the good jobs are.   So I'm sitting in my car last night, feeling like crap on a personal level and thinking "yeah....here is sooooo much better....cuz i'm not in the same situation just with less mountains and friends...."
I would really love to go to school, but I'm not sure I should now, and that makes me sad.

I dunno.  This morning my mom said she still wants me to but I don't know how that'd work. 
I'm not the picture of positive thinking lately.   LIke i said before, it bugs me.  I hate to be the new Debbie Downer, cuz that was never me.  I also hate the term Debbie Downer and wish I hadn't used it, but don't care enough to delete it.

Anyway....let's try the positive thing now.
It looks like work is more than willing (out of nowhere) to help me make my concert on time tomorrow. I'm not sure where the change of heart was on that, but they did seem dedicated to making sure I get out an hour earlier than I asked to get out so I could get dressed and to the call time on time.
I'm still attempting to figure out how to get my mom and grandma to the concert.   If I were to get out at 1:30 and immediately get in the car, I could then get to Deerfield around 2 and i'd have an hour to get back to grayslake.   The complication is getting dressed for the concert.  I'm pretty sure I can just do the makeup and keep the hair pinned up so it may not be so bad.

The other good thing:  The concert itself.  I am so excited about it, and I really REALLY can't wait to hear how the Barnes is going to go.  I stupid wish it wasn't Mother's Day the concert fell on, cuz I just really really wish more people could hear it. I can get the recording, but you lose a lot of the raw power of it without being in a hall listening to it live.   Still, I dare anyone who I give a recording to to not lose it by the Third Movement.

Ugh, stomach hurts again for no apparent reason. I was hungry when I started this post, now I'm just....ow. :P
Mebbe I'll lay down til later. 
Anyway....
Yep. That's life.

I got really tangled up in all the bad this weekend and I forgot that there was some pretty excellent.
Debbie had her bachelorette party this weekend, and it's got to have been hands down one of the most fun girls night out type things I've ever done.  Granted, it was pricey, and I am a pauper-like girl the beginning of this week but it was worth it, and I really *really* needed it.
Plus, heck, how often do your really good friends get married and invite you to be a part of the bachelorette festivities?  It had to be done.

We didn't go to Arlington. By the time the shower was over, and everyone was cleaned up, we'd have missed the Kentucky Derby.   Oh well.
I didn't have to work, so I just  decided to meet everyone over at Kona Grill in Lincolnshire.
So glad I didn't work.  Just thought I'd mention that. It'd have been a bummer to not get to dress up and spend some time on it.  I mean....seriously.   I wouldn't have wanted thirty minutes to get ready for a club, y'know?

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I keep thinking this thing with the Barnes Third and me is gonna fizzle out. 
I think that because it got me so quickly and so intensely. I figure it must be the type of thing that for a while, you can't live without, and then later on you can take or leave.

I guess it has to do with my take on love at first sight.  I always thought that you can't just...immediately fall in love. Or that if you did, it just had no possible way of lasting, because it was based on something akin to a flash of lightning.   Super intense but gone before you know it.  Sometimes before you even really see it.  And what purpose does that serve anyway?

My notions about that have been tested before this, I guess I just forgot that there are some things that aren't really able to be analyzed to death.   Sometimes you meet someone, or hear something, and you absolutely know that it's love.   There's nothing you can do to take back the moment.   It's startling and unnerving and exciting.    Exactly like lightning.  But that kind of stuff doesn't always fade right out to the sunsets.  In fact, in my experience it's brought me some of the things I hope to never see the end of.

The closer we get to this concert the more excited I get to play it.   I've had my setbacks.  There's probably a ton of people I alienate whenever I talk about Wind Ensemble, because hey, it's "STUFFY CLASSICAL MUSIC" and nobody wants to see that, especially on mother's day.  

But God it's so much more.  As with anything I've ever loved that deeply, this....is exactly why I play.   This symphony specifically is exactly at the heart of where I am as a musician.  This is open and raw and absolutely amazing.   This is someone who is beautiful in so many ways exposing his darkest hours to whoever has the ears to hear it, and when you get into it, you realize just how intimate he's getting with his audience.  This is exactly the type of thing you'd hear in the late hours of the night when you were lying beside someone you never wanted to let go of and they broke down that wall in one fell swoop and let you in.   And it's all I can do to hold that music up the way I'd hold on to someone I loved in those moments.  

Dawn (lilith) mentioned to me how much I *needed* to play this, and I do.  
If you ever wanted to hear exactly the way my heart sounds when it gets poured out onto a stage, this is when you're gonna hear it.

I'm so mad that it's on Mother's Day!!!
If I had the power i'd move it, but alas I don't.  If you have any inkling of a desire to get out there and try just a little to get past the OMG CLASSICAL MUSIC I AM SLEEPING thing.....
please do.
This is the music that will change you.
Not cuz I'm playing it, not cuz we're playing it, but because it's that kind of thing.