Non sum qualis eram

Heyyy i was gonna say something constructive about an hour ago.
But this laid open and empty.
So I guess I didn't have anything constructive to say?
It is fast approaching Thanksgiving.
Going down to Jacksonville, IL to spend it with family, in our much storied here traditions.
Which means a really early wakeup on Thursday morning and a road trip in the new shiny blue Corolla Mom has.
I personally, since I am not allowed to drive it, am going to sleep. And remember to charge my ipod. And sleep.
Probably all at once.

Last night I was just frustrated a little I guess. I wasn't really *mad* at anyone per se, just kinda bummed out. I dunno. I wished it would have gone differently, mostly because I wanted to see a bunch of my friends that I don't often get to see, and moreso don't get to see together.
You can't always get what you want though, and in the end, it was still a lot of laughs and food and beer, and that's not a bad thing.

I got a little "homesick" for NM, I think.
Still am, heh. Lots of people going home for the holiday.
I'm "home" for the holiday but I still feel like my home shifted to somewhere else.

That doesn't change that I'm excited to go do the traditional Thanksgiving though.
Bill always made Thanksgivings out there pretty excellent, when I was pining for the IL version. I don't think I ever had a chance to be sad about not being out in IL visiting for the holiday, because thanksgivings out there turned into a whole lot of friends, and steak and little bits of family stuff he gave me here and there, like the "atrocious" jellied cranberry (sorry, i like the stuff!) and the muppet family christmas. :D

Family is here but friends are there. It's a quandary. I can't wait til i can visit again someday. I just wanna *visit* heh.
Well that's not all I wanna do but still, it's the first thing I wanna do.

Now, i believe it is time to gear up for the trip and make some beef stroganoff for dinner.

Well I am back from zee dinner for zee birthday out at The Cubby Bear.

It was fun! I got to be at one of my favorite hangouts out here, and I got to goof off and be girly and weird with Katie and Patty.
Cubby raised their beer prices though! Lordie!

But oh man, Cubby Cookie was mine...

I really am grateful for them coming all the way out cuz I know it's a far drive and that stuff is rough.

Good food, good company!


BUT...
I have to wonder why nobody else showed up. I'm not sure. Even the few yesses I got to the invitation. I thought they'd at least show. But nope. No shows. I didn't hope the maybes would show, at least not a lot. But wow. I dunno.

I know stuff happens, and I know this time of year is a bad time of year for things like parties cuz it's always right before thanksgiving.
and I know it's sorta bitchy to be upset about it.
It's just...I've *gone* to a lot of birthday dinners for people, so I know I'm not the only one who invites people out for their birthdays.
Heck I've set up a lot of birthday stuff for people.
And I've never been to one where you couldn't fill a table for six.
It's a little depressing.
I kinda wish I never planned anything at all. Cuz then it'd have been me and two friends and no fighting off the "where'd everyone i invited go?"
But then I'd have been home, which woulda been more depressing, and I would have missed out on the silliness with Patty and Katie.

I just felt bad because as much fun as I honestly did have with them, and later with weird Steve, there was a part of me fighting being really damned bummed out about it.

I'm trying to think about it logically and think "Ok, well it's the week of thanksgiving, it was far away, and it's also a monday...."
Maybe I picked bad times. I figured locally at least, monday would be a night no one already had plans, and I figured if i planned the weekend before thanksgiving or after that nobody'd be able to make it.
I dunno.

*sigh*
I don't want to sound ungrateful. I really did have fun.

I don't know what it is about out here.
It's lonely even though lots of people are around sometimes.

I was lookin' back at last year. I thought I wasn't going anywhere cuz I was upset about stuff and cuz I dunno...and I figured at dinner it'd be like four people, but 26 showed up.
I guess that spoiled me.

Iunno.
I feel bad saying it, but still...it sucks being backed out on by the few that bothered to commit to it even.
Beh.

It's just a day.

Epic update will be epic.
But I think I'ma gnaw on some pizza and watch Bones and crash out.
Cuz I'ma work tomorrow.
If my legs work.
Today was awesome.
End brief update.
Oh wait, and Pioneer Woman is awesomer. Which isn't a word, but I've had a long day.
So (my Magritte joke) STICK THAT IN YOUR NOT PIPE AND SMOKE IT!
tee hee.
Art Institute humors. :p

Howdy. :)

I spose that's one way to start a blog post.
My feet hurt.
That's another.

I'm just comin' off a ridiculously long shift at Joe's, which is a good thing, save for needing replacement feet before tomorrow and seeing how medical technology is not quite there yet. I'm also a bit too lazy to bother with a hot bath right now to soothe them, like I normally would. I hope that doesn't bite me in the ass tomorrow when I'm hotfootin' it around the city.

It's been the first interesting week in a long series of broke, lonely weeks, so that's a good thing.

Dawn and I window-shopped, Target-shopped and coffeed out in Highland Park, then came back here unexpectedly due to lil' Z freakouts and had pizza and chatted some more. That was good. Nice to get some girl time. :)

I went out with my work husband Matt to Red Robin and to the mall, where we nearly got locked in (which I always thought would be kinda cool) and had ridiculous conversations and serious ones with him.
A highlight.

Matt: That onion ring tower is so phallic
Me: YOU are so...uh...phallic.
Matt: *long pause* Well....actually....yeah!
Me: How red am i right now?

Last night was band, which went well. I got there a bit early and ran through some Mozart, some Williams, some jazz and some Rose. It was nice. I really do intend to try harder with clarinet this year. Not put it aside, push myself. For Geech. Because honestly, it was really inspiring, though sad, to read about all the lives he touched through music, and to hear about how dedicated he was. And for all music has brought to me, including his friendship, I want to make sure I'm giving it at least its due back.

There was some bummer news regarding the administration being evil to the music department and us losing a very wonderful director. I'm not amused at all. We'll see if there's anything that can be done there. I have protested to save the music more than once before and will damned well storm any doors that need storming down all over again to save it here. In all forms.

In OTHER other news...
So Joey is here, and tomorrow I finally get to see him, along with Erika and Stephen.
This excites me.
:)
I have to wait until after another harrowing Joe's lunch with the same tired old feet, but as soon as that's done, it's off to Niles to grab him.
Then we're gonna take zee ol' Metra and go downtown!
I'm not entirely sure what we'll do, though I think Navy Pier is in the plan as is Billy Goat tavern. I'm hoping it's a clear night so Joey has ample photo ops. Well, and me too, since I FIXED MY CAMERA!
I'm really wanting some great nightscapes of the city.
I really hope to get off early enough to get a good early start. We'll see though. I start an hour earlier which means I should be first cut tomorrow. Or near there. So, perhaps 1 or 2.

Sunday..well, Sunday is a day that may also be spent downtown, because we have weekend passes, and it will afford us the opportunity to see the sights during the day that aren't really seen at night. We'll see how we feel.

Sometime this week, there is also a book signing for the Pioneer Woman I'm psyched to be attending. :)

Things are on a quick upswing.

I went pounding the pavement for jobs, and have some encouraging sparks. Spherion and I are together again. I'm hoping there's magic there.
Cuz well, i need the magic.
Tonight was nice, aside from the feet, but even so...need more job.
Need now.

It's so quickly approaching my birthday and Thanksgiving!
*wipes sweat*
Well, here we go!
This is how Novembers always seem.
I just hope the rest goes well.

To tomorrow!

Fixed zee camera, turned it on, and lookie what I found!

And the best part is i found the battery that actually works too, so it won't die after nine pictures. 

I figured, just for fun




This is sad. Apparently my camera has been broken since last Christmas.  Here be Christmas at zee Cap.  Or the Christmas season, at least.
That wagon wheel chandelier makes my day.  :)
Ah the glow of neon beer lights and the shimmer of the Christmas pool table.  Homey. :)


And, NOT singing pinball wizard...this is David Newbould.  Who we got the pleasure of listening to this particular evening.  He had a really smooth voice and I loved every minute of it.  It was warm and cozy and very Christmasy being in a room with just a few people listening to great music.   That reminds me, I meant to get a CD of his...his lyrics were wonderful and so was the music. And the company.


Decided to play with this one.  This is the mission in Socorro.   It's kinda eerie in black and white at night, but in all reality, with all the luminarias it's pretty gorgeous. And I've gone and taken pictures of this two Christmas Eves...it's always so still and quiet.  You can hear the candles burning.  It's really neat.  Both times I've been the only one there, and it was something I really loved.  Felt immensely Christmasy and kinda like my own little secret.  


Isn't it gorgeous?  And it's been on this site since the 1600s, though it got destroyed once.    
*wanders off into her own head*

Ok, on a less Christmasy note, I also found some kitteh goodness.


Not my kitteh, but one I still love tons.  Isn't he purday? :P
Or. y'know, handsome?


or, y'know, purday.


Aww, two kittehs, lounging on the couch.  This is what they do when people aren't home.  But see how they aren't fighting for the remote? 
Peace on earth.


And with that I leave you.
This has been "random pictures on my camera from when it died."

Well today was surprising.
Kind of an immersion into my heritage.
Just so happens that we passed through Niles yesterday on the way out to see Zombieland (which was, again, too fun!)
And when we were driving through there, I saw the White Eagle, which is apparently this Polish restaurant my grandma always goes to whenever she goes to the cemetery where her husband is buried. 

Anyway, it's been strangely warm here, and she mentioned a while back that she wanted to go out that way before it got cold, but we just hadn't gotten to it.  So I talked to Mom and we suggested it to her, and sometime early this morning, she decided that would be nice.   So, after some puttering around the house, we headed out that way.   I've never been to either that cemetery or to the restaurant so it was all new to me.   Mom and Grandma cleaned up around the grave and I got to hear stories about my grandfather, which was nice, because I never did get a chance to get to know him.   The cemetery was huge, and as it turns out there are more relatives there that I had either met or not gotten the chance to meet, from cousins and uncles to great grandmothers, etcetera.   It's also an almost exclusively Polish cemetery.   It was interesting, and when you walk a while in the sun with grandma places like that, you can get a lot of stories about her past and her upbringing.  It was a very nice day for that sort of thing, save for the usual complaint about illinois, which is....how can 68 degrees be THAT MUGGY?  I hate feeling constantly moistened by the air around me.   Blech.

It was nice to have a full grandma day.  And it was amazing the things she remembered and the stories she was telling.   That is definitely one of the silver linings about being back here. 

We headed out to the Red Eagle, and I wasn't sure what to expect.   They had a family style meal thing going.  13 bucks a plate for what would turn out to be a ridiculous spread of Polish food.  You had your soup (and they are famous for their mushroom barley for a reason), your salad, veggies and wonderful mashed potatoes, your pierogi course, your meat course where you chose three meats- we had polish ham, kielbasa and sauerkraut, and golabki, a pasta course, and a dessert course that was an entire slice of cheesecake with delicious strawberry sauce and a whole bunch of kolackys. and coffee.  I read in some review of the restaurant later that they serve the dessert course "in a final attempt to kill you with food".   Fairly accurate.  We have five entire boxes of leftovers.  We sampled everything but just in the end, even having not eaten anything else all day, get through it all.    And we didn't eat anything else all day *after* either.  
I gotta say, it's a vast vast VAST improvement on some other Polish places in the area.  Vast. 
Though we all took issue with them not frying the pierogies in a little butter. I was surprised, cuz the guys at the delis around there always tell you to do it, and that's how we've always done it. Makes em wayyy better.  kinda like toasting raviolis.

We spent quite a while there.  I felt weird when we were first there because I'd been wearing an NFC championship shirt and the restaurant was nicer than I expected it to be inside, but somewhere around the end of the abysmal Bears game, a whole bunch of Polish guys in Bears jerseys sidled up to the bar, more than likely to drown their sorrows with some Polish beer or potato vodkas.  :p   I had to laugh because they *were* the superfans from SNL.  They didn't say Da Bearss on purpose, it's just how they talk.  They didn't talk about that damn play, it was dat damn play.
I realized that most of what I think of when I think of a typical group of Chicago men would have to be Polish guys with that particular mustache in Bears garb, and I giggled a little bit.  Feels like home.   Meanwhile, it felt like home at the table, only none of us had to spend all day crafting all the Polish food, so we got to relax and talk to each other and pretend like it was Thanksgiving or some other holiday.  We actually did toast Na zdrowie! at one point because grandma felt like we were celebrating something, so we decided to celebrate....celebrating. :)  
We checked out the gift shop afterwards and had an uneventful but sorta excruciatingly full drive home.

I like days like that.  It's nice to get back to the family history, learn things you didn't know, and spend some time in whatever culture you might be a part of.
Maybe part of it was all the happenings last week, makes you think about family and friends and the people you love, maybe that brought today about...I'm not sure what it was, but I'm glad it happened.
And I can honestly say, I don't have one single problem with being Polish.
Oh yeah, and I learned a very important Polish phrase today, which I'm attempting to pronounce well enough to make grandma laugh at tomorrow.

Mój poduszkowiec jest pełen węgorzy that's right. Polish for..."my hovercraft is full of eels" Now...NOW I can go to Poland, since I have the key phrases down. :p

I guess sometimes what you want out of life is more apparent when the last thing you'd want happens.
Tonight, in the middle of making dinner, when I came back to the room after putting the rice in to bake, I went online for a few minutes.  And in those few minutes, I learned that a friend of mine from New Mexico, and originally a friend of a friend, had passed away suddenly this past Friday.
He was 30.

More important than that, he was a wonderful friend.    My first encounters with him were when Bill introduced me to him online in World of Warcraft.  He was hysterical, fun, and friendly, even to newcomers to the game and to the circle of friends that was already knit together.   As with pretty much anyone I've met through Bill, he was great people.   I got to know him because of the game.   We'd chat while doing other things on the game, I'd ask him questions about the game, and eventually in meeting more of his friends, I learned more about him.

He was a band director, and a clarinet player, something I'd laugh about later when I showed up to a LAN party in Las Cruces, NM to meet him, and felt worried on the drive that I'd be an outsider, only to find out we didn't just have the game in common, but nearly everyone at that party was also a clarinet player.  Freaky.  About 8 or 9 of us, if memory serves.  I remember talking to him ABOUT band in game.  Talk about compounding nerd types....

For those of you that don't play, I know it may seem absurd getting to know someone that way.  But you can.  Those games take time, and with that time comes relationships.  
I remember some of my hardest times in New Mexico, when I was all alone up in Los Alamos, not sure how to stay there, or if I wanted to, not really having anyone to talk to, and being online in that game.  I remember trying to max out a character and the way he'd be on any of his different toons, log on and scream DO EEEEEET!  with all kinds of smiles.

I got a few chances to meet him.   The first was that LAN party.  A whole group of friends, only one of whom I'd met before, invited me into their circle, one that was extremely tight and extremely close and still is.   They made it possible for me to get there, even though I thought it would be impossible.  Because of them, and Bill, I got to meet them all, and we had an amazing weekend.   Not only were we all WoW players, we were nearly all clarinet players, and as I'd learn and taste, all loved to cook .  We had drinks, dinners, and hours of video games.  I remember playing Portal and Katamari and all sorts of random stuff.  I remember the AMAZING energy Josh had.   
He was SO welcoming, and me being shy in those sorts of situations, I always worry about feeling like I should be there. 
By the end of the night, we were literally rolling on the floors laughing.  We'd been playing Virtua Fighter or some other game (memory doesn't serve so well right now) and decided that one of the characters was to be renamed Kick Your Ass Barbie.   We had ridiculous duels with both of us playing that character.  Josh found a ridiculous ground kick that he used to absolutely slay all of us. 
We all crashed out at Steve's place and the next day wandered around Old Mesilla, til we came home and had a wonderful dinner.
I never felt out of place.  I felt like I was finally hitting my stride in NM, finding friends in odd places.

I came back to Cruces to celebrate Steve's birthday ( I was honored to be asked) and we went to El Paso where we had dinner at Cattleman's at Indian Cliffs Ranch and then went to see Get Smart (or Kung Fu Panda, the group split).  It was again, all kinds of laughs and amazing times. I always left encouraged and refreshed that I could be a part of it.  
Josh always had smiles and hugs for everyone, even the "new kid".

It's hard to believe he's just gone.   And it was hard to find out that way. 

In reading the tributes to him, I realized that everything that he was online in WoW was what he was in life.  Joyous, silly, encouraging, and an amazing friend.
I see that he was an amazing musician who inspired the people lucky enough to be around him.  
I saw so many students' tributes that mentioned how he changed their lives, whether it was in the music or the way that he cared about them, and it made me think of the amazing teachers and mentors that were a part of my life.
People who really care about people, and who make an impact on people's lives.
People who are good to the core and you can see it in everything, even in the pixels on a screen.

That's what I aspire to. 
I know now how much he wanted to touch people through music, and I share that with him. You can't play music without leaving yourself in it, at least not if you want to do it right.  You have to give your heart away with every note.
I know now how he inspired people with his joy and his caring, the way he was absolutely a part of his students' lives, not just in the hour or so he may have been teaching them, but always, through all kinds of things.

That's how I want to be remembered.
I want to be like that.
I'm not just going to say it, either.
As geech would have said.... DO EEET!

Well, Josh "Geech" Coleman....
I will.
You will be missed.

I can't find the comp tickets (the only tickets, as it were) to my Dec. 13th holiday concert, aka the already sold out in the beginning of october, comp tickets are the only way to get in concert.
I had one that I stood in line forever for and one that dawn stood in line forever for.  I put them in my folder on stage.  The folder came home, the music came home, nothing spilled, but they're gone.
I *really* hope someone has them on thursday. Maybe somehow they were the only thing that slipped out of the folder?
As much as the holiday concert is my *least* favorite one to play (monotonous) , it is my mom and grandma's favorite one to go to, and I was excited that even though it was sold out, I'd been able to acquire tickets for both of them.
*sigh*
I have looked through my car, my folder, my clothes, my bags from the weekend...I got nothin'
I'm *so* disappointed.
I even emailed the director to see if anyone randomly found them.  I had one envelope inside another, figure that's identifying enough since it's fairly impractical to do so.

I hate that.
*endrant*

No, not alright.
No, not actually giving up on life.
Just...hitting my head on a brick wall right now.
And feeling lonely and crappy and pissed off and all the other things that the economy, tanking friendships and other random crap can make you feel.
So yeah, I exploded.
Wanna fight?

So there's a few things that brought this to mind, not that it's ever really *far* from my mind.
The first was hearing about bad news someone else had gotten....trying to find the right...anything.  From far away it's harder.  You can't hear the voice, you can't see the eyes...and vice versa.  Hard to hug someone who's not physically there either. 

I was thinking about what I typically tend to do in those situations.
I tend to drown myself in music to work it out.  Go for a drive, turn that music up so that it's absolutely invading me from every angle, and process.
Granted, there are times I'm so upset that I go silent, no music whatsoever, but it usually fades out to a place where I *need* the music in order to get through it.  It's not IF I'll drown myself in music, it's when.
Why? Because it says words I can't say, it finds things inside me that I can't find for myself...because I can find everything in it, whether I'm angry and I want to just...thrash it out in something or angry and I want to be soothed.  Every way I can feel, I can sort out in all those notes making the air reverberate.

The second thing that brings this to mind was someone asking me what my other favorite band was.  (Because we all know my first). 
I started by opening up Itunes...which was probably my first mistake.  I tried to prioritize and pick only a few...and I failed so horribly.  I kept blurting in threes and fours til it was just ridiculous...

I love ....
Aerosmith- Steve Tyler's voice...sometimes you can't even tell if it's a guitar up there in the stratosphere or him.  But it's almost always him. Joe Perry is amazing....the lyrics, the feel, the emotion.....the way they stand the test of time.  

Evanescence- because she's powerful and bold and edgy and because her voice is truly amazing.  A lot of people disagree with me on that one, but I don't care. 

The Dixie Chicks- because they're honest, they're unafraid, their harmonies are gorgeous, and they talk about things and places I love and that are important. They're bold, and they don't back down off what they believe.  Right now, I'm especially attached to The Long Way Around cuz I feel like that's...me.

Korn-they're guttural, heavy, unafraid to challenge the set notions of what's music.  I love the way he can let go.

NIN-they're...creepy, pulsing...breathy...sexy.....there's so much to them.  And as an aside,I love their take on the whole RIAA debacle. 

Pink Floyd-talk about a unique vibe, something that has layers to fall into and keep listening further and further, but that works somehow just as well as this distant background.  Talk about haunting...

Led Zeppelin-they have this way of creating gorgeous driving songs that you can just keep listening to.  Babe I'm Gonna Leave you...I adore that guitar....so much of their music is so long but the time passes and you don't even notice because you're still just absorbing it all.

The Doors- Jim Morrison...the aura, the voice, the unique way they string everything together....

Rage Against the Machine- that bass. 'nuff said.  I speed like a demon listening to them in the car. They go in there and tear it up.  Immensely.

Red Hot Chili Peppers- they're just..funky. Fun. Their music is so catchy, but not annoyingly so.  It's just feel good, imho.


And two special ones, before my big switch

The Muckrakers- a few guys from Louisville,Kentucky with massive hearts that absolutely pour out in all of their songs.  I found them the first time I got burned thinking Doug was a trusted friend (not making that mistake a third time)..their music was amazing and they were absolutely the only highlight in an otherwise awful day.

The Rudy Boy Experiment:  Not only did they make Bill's birthday amazing by showing up (thanks to the Cap as well for hiring them) just for Bill, they did it without knowing me from Adam, on short notice.  Because some random girl from IL asked.   That makes them Awesome with a capital AWESOME.  That aside, they are amazing.  Rudy can lay back into a groove and never let go of it.  The energy from all of them onstage makes people just sit and stare. Or get up and dance.  I have all their cds save the newest so far, and trust me it's on my list.   Amazing musicians, amazing people.  I mean, he got invited to Buddy Guy Legend's.  Yeah. With Buddy Guy.  Yeah. He's that amazing. And more.


Of course, I love playing as much as I love listening, or more.  Probably more.  So I have my classical besties, too.  Flack introduced me to Ticheli, and I've always been in love with Mozart, but most especially Bach. 
Bach, man....massive pieces that flood an entire cathedral...it reverberates through your bones.  So complex..a million little parts weaving together. It goes through you...it absolutely fills the air....it would drop my mouth open in awe if i wasn't usually playing Bach as opposed to just listening.   The fugues, the pipe organ pieces (now that fills a room)...all of it.   The scary massive, or the way that he can write something that absolutely builds to bursting with this amazing sense of joy....
Yeah. I love Bach. 
Bach...is amazing.

You can see why this question is never good to ask me.
My head goes a million ways at once, thinking about every last piece of music I love and all the whys.  Trust me, this is the short list. 

I don't know what else to say.
I think I'll go perusing through my tunes.

Hiiiiiii.
How are you guys?
What's goin' onnnnn?
I'm so.bored.

Once I finally got over how sick the medicine made me (which wasn't til, 3 pm or later) the rest of it wasn't as horrendous. 
Mom and Grandma were out and about today, and I was jealous. 
That's when you know it's bad. When you're bummed about not getting to go to Walmart and the dollar store.
I was out for work yesterday, which was nice...

It's just...so much of the same thing the past week.
You're sick like this and aside from the sick....you're stuck in the same place forever. 
And TV gets old, and my DVD player isn't working, and I haven't seen the great outdoors except through the window.  Has it been cold? Warm? Snowed?  

The leaves are changing.
I feel like frolicking!
Well, not quite yet, but I *want* to feel like frolicking.
And I have things to do starting tomorrow, including checking out Spherion again to see if I can't get a contract job at Hewitt.  Oh yeah.
And I have stuff to worry about, like if I'm gonna get fired on account of being sick, since the vague "there'll be documentation" threat after he'd made me call 5 people to replace me and after I'd suppressed the urge to hurl a few times was, well, vague.  Documentation?  Writeup? 
Ok. Write me up for not infecting the world with my disease.
Tyrant.

But yeah. Things to do. Four walls to break free from.  And in the style of the Velveteen Rabbit, stuff to wash in realllly hot water or burn.  :p

In other words, I'm too busy to be sick still.
Therefore.

*sigh*

Ok.
I have been sick for about five days now.
I have a really nasty cough, a very sore throat...and that's the main part of it.  Major fatigue.  Lack of will to do much at all, especially where that involves moving.
So...I stayed in. And I slept, a lot.  And I drank tea, and I used herbal meds, and I drank more tea.  And lots of fluids, and vitamin C.

And on Thursday night, I thought I was going to die of the exhaustion, and I spiked a fever a couple of times.  Then this morning, I was better.  Or I thought so.  Work was pretty uneventful except for layrngitis to some extent.
Thennn my throat got really sore and swollen.
So I went and decided to walgreens it and see what I could do. Pharmacist said Mucinex would kick its lily ass.
So..

But....an hour later I had coughing fits that nearly made me sick, and that aside it's making me horribly nauseous, even though it doesn't list side effects on the box.  Oh and insult to injury, it's not great if you've had past kidney issues.  But I didn't find this out til I looked up the side effects online.

So now on top of being grumpy about the feeling better being temporary, and on top of the actual symptoms, I'm also nauseous, and unsure about work tomorrow, and pissed off.
And worried about the kidney thing, a little. 

And a little miserable.
I think i need things to hurt/destroy.

CAN I PLEASE JUST GET BETTER NOW? I'M REALLY DONE WITH THIS! I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE TODAY FOR LIKE, ALL WEEK.  I'M DONE!

A long while ago, I'd decided i was making some life changes, and that included kickboxing.
Baby steps, I guess, to more significant life changes to come.
You have to start somewhere, I guess.   But more on that later.
Anyway, this particular change involved shopping. I like changes that involve shopping. Or I did back then, when I was making actual paychecks.
So there I was at Foot Locker trying to figure it out. 
Crosstrainers. Red Nike crosstrainers.

And they fit so well.  I felt like I could run miles in them.  And I'm sure over the time that I had them, I did.  I was sold.  They fit my feet like gloves, even though they were 6s, and I was off and running, quite literally.
I had those things for a long long time.

I think they are in or near Tucamcari, NM now.
Which seems fitting. 
That was another life change.  Way more significant, no baby steps there, though if I really look back, I can see everything that led up to that leap.
Weirdly that change involved running too.  Everything about it was quick and about getting away from absolutely everything I knew all at once.  I think some part of me was running from knowing that my time at Hewitt was over, knowing I didn't know exactly what I wanted, knowing I wanted more of the mountains and sunsets and friends....
I got into some truck stop near Tucumcari and my heart was overflowing.  It was about a million degrees in the Jeep with no air conditioning. The cat and I were both wilting.  I was stopping for water and had just finally crossed into New Mexico.
I was THERE. It was real...I had done it. 
And there were the hints of the mountains and mesas to come in the form of big wide open spaces, and little mesas and that great purple outline of something so much bigger than you in the distance...

And I just wanted to RUN.   Run as fast as my legs could take me as far as I could go.   Just absolutely go for it until I collapsed of exhaustion.  Because there was so much to see.  So much out there.  And I could be the only one there.  For miles. 
And I was beginning to know...

knowing for at least a few years that home wasn't really home anymore, but not having any clue where home was.  I wouldn't know until a January plane ride from O'hare, clutching a moose that sang Blue Moon and feeling tears clawing at my throat having been back in Illinois and not recognized it, not felt like it was mine anymore.  Those tears clawing at my throat were begging me to go home to the Cap, to see Bill, to be out there.   At that particular moment I figured it out.  That was where home turned out to be.   I wasn't really *great* with the notion, but that's where it was.

When I randomly thought of it tonight, I thought about that shoe.  I thought about where it disappeared.  I think it fell out when I was re-organizing in Tucamcari preparing for the last leg of my trip.  And I was really bummed about it because I'd lost something that just fit.   Something that just worked, and was a part of me.
And maybe I'm taking the shoe thing too far, though most girls would agree...if you have a good shoe, you get attached...

But that's what the people and places and things are like to me. 
Just fits.
Just comfortable.
Just supports.
Just...perfect despite its imperfections.

Part of this has to do with a dream I had last night where I really hated someone that I really don't hate, and I realized that even in the dream my head couldn't trick me into doing anything but love them, regardless of their major offense (in the dream).  

And then tonight...tonight...well, made me think about it more.
Cuz here I am, cooped up in an apartment in Deerfield, hacking up a lung...having not run a brush through my hair in...oh, 36 hours...and...
then Socorro came to me.  Got to talk to Bill for like, ever, and see a ton of people I hadn't seen lately.   Heard the sounds of a band in the background, talked about turkey at the Governor's mansion, and generally had an amazing time.   When I really thought about it, it's pretty amazing.  Not just the webcam :P. 
But...the place.

Maybe that shoe fell out in NM because I didn't need to run anymore.

And since it's just bugging me, who gets a tag for their pet that says sexy?  Doesn't that strike anyone else as weird?

Yep, I'm stalling.
Been stalling for a few days here.

I had this moment where I had a million things I wanted to say, and then it passed.  Then I thought I should probably poke my head out into society a little, and I decided not to.  I guess that's the way it goes lately. 
The past few weeks haven't been the most fun.  I've really been struggling with people and to keep my mood out of the toilet.

Work hasn't been much help, since there's not much working.  Which leads to a lot of alone time.  Which leads to, well, boredom.  And sometimes bad choices as far as people to hang out with.  Not to mention not much in the way of gas money or money in general to go out and do things. 

I think when I get lonely and when bad things happen friendwise I tend to run away from everyone. 
For example, i've got the clearing to have my Fall Party.  A while back...well, it'd be years back, I had Trevor, Patty, Cherie and I think a few others over for one.  We had cider and there was ridiculous amounts of cookies and some really hot chili that was my dad's recipe, and it was a lot of fun.  We also went to see the lights at cuneo.   So it was probably more Christmasy.  This time I wanted to do a straight up fall event.   Buuuut I haven't yet sent anything. I wondered why when i was taking my grandma to the store today, and I came up with : fear.
Fear of what will happen.   Don't wanna put myself out there.

I think I'm going to do it anyway.  I don't think cooping myself up is doing me any good. Heck, for avoiding social contact I managed to still develop a cold or something.  Scratchy throats bug me.

 I've put a lot out there in terms of job hunting, but I'm worrying that I'm just not gonna find anything.  I don't *want* the only job I can get to be waitressing at Joe's.  I ran into this problem in NM too.  I had all this faith that I was qualified to do so much more, but then with each rejection I wondered if restaurants were all I was capable of.   Part of me worries that that's why I was heading to culinary school. I know I love to cook, and I know I'd love to learn all sorts of ridiculous complex ways to make amazing food for people...it's something I love.  But so is music, photography and writing.  What am I doing with any of it?   

Read something about people getting things backwards.  How you have to find yourself and then you can get what you want.  Well, I think NM accomplished the finding myself.  I have a definite idea of who I am and who I'm not...I'm just not sure exactly what I want.  Which is scary, because I don't like to be floating around out here.  
Lemme clarify.  I know WHERE I want...
I'm starting to know WHO i want in my life and who I don't...(sadly, Doug put himself on the don't list as i suspected he would again)
It's the WHAT as far as WHAT TO DO that I'm not getting.

Is it weird to admit that I don't so much want to find that thing "to do".  I think I'd rather be the place I want to be and have the right people in my life even if that meant some 9 to 5 that I didn't so much care about.    
I mean, I'd love to find a way to do all the things I'm passionate about, but especially in the job market we're facing now, how can anyone afford to try and find that? 
And right now in my head all I'm thinking is the song "The Long Way Around" by the Dixie Chicks.
*sigh*

I dunno.
I know I'm apprehensive about being around people right now.  I'm cozying up and hiding here in Deerfield because I don't *want* to bother trying with people anymore.
I don't want to ask someone if they'd like to do something and have them tear me down and tell me all the things they think are wrong with me.
I don't want to bother fighting back right now either.
I don't want to try and nose my way in to someone's time when they don't really feel like I'm worthy of five minutes of it...and I don't want to beg to have someone just be there for me.  
So...here we are.
Where am I?  I...dunno.

Maybe the Taking Back Fall party will happen.  Maybe I'm ready to try and step a foot back out there.  Maybe the toes that have been cut off the past few weeks are all the ones that will be.

EDIT: Hrm. I'm gonna do something about at least part of this.  I'm gonna start that damned writing project I said I was going to.  Day one is now. No "waiting til monday" thing.  Now.

The wall is there because you want it to be there. It stops you because you want it to. When you're ready, it'll fade away. And reveal the dreams beyond.

I remember more the time we spent driving nowhere than the fancy dinner.I remember more the time we spent laughing and drawing than when we stepped on stage.I remember more the silence in each others arms than the conversations about how we felt.I remember more of what I didn't expect to remember with you.

I'm not giving in tonight.
I'm not sitting here and letting myself feel bad and worthless because someone else has treated me that way yet again this week.

Because I'm not.
I'm takin' a stand and saying some things that I know.

I know I'm strong (even though I don't feel that way right now)
I know that I am a good friend, one who isn't needy but one who gives and takes from a friendship as equally as I can.  I almost let someone talk me into feeling like a needy person, and then I stopped and realized something...
I *want* my friends in my life, but I moved away from almost every single one of them I knew.  To top that off, the ones I was getting to know, I didn't even see, and in some cases, those friendships drifted apart either permanently or for a while.   For a while it was me, the cat, and the mountains.   Was I begging everyone to look at me look at me every five minutes then? No.
I thought more.  Was I running around trying to save a plant for someone or talking to them every single night when things got rough? Yes.
And was I saying "hey man, I think you're needy.  I think that you need more of me than I should have to give."
No.

And the people that I consider closest to me would never say that either.

Let me go namin'.  I'm putting positive out into the world.

Patty.  Patty was amazing when I came back from NM completely beside myself.  She let me in the door at 4 am to cry all over her when I had a rough breakup, too. 

Cherie: No matter when or how, she's always been a fighter.  She has always been willing to stand up for people and she's not afraid to offend anyone if she knows they're wrong.  

Lewis:  Well, I can't think of a way he wouldn't help pretty much anyone he knew.  I can't think of a time he'd turn his back on one of his friends.  He stands by everyone even if they don't stand by each other.  He's warm and fun and kind and giving, and that's who he is when your back is turned too.   And I can talk to him today or five months from now and he'll be the same.

Bill: There's been so many times I can barely think of one example.  I know that even if it was dumb or inexplicable, he was there with open arms.

Kija:  OMG, there's a million ways and a million things I could thank her for.  All kinds of ridiculous fun times, busting the boredom and loneliness, and really being there for me when i needed it most. And David, while we're at it.

Antal:  Man, where I'd have been without him here this year.   i miss his company so much.  He can pretty much always make me smile. And we've laughed through a whole bunch of things no one should be able to laugh through.

Sarah K (jag) : No matter what anyone says about the interwebs, you've shown me a hundred times over that real friendships exist there.  You and I have had any number of amazing, funny, hard and serious conversations, and i consider you among my closest friends, even though we've not gotten a chance to meet in person, just talk on the phone. :)

Guys, I can honestly say I need ya right now.
I'm losin' my faith in everyone, and you guys always put it right back.
I wish honestly and truly I felt like I could get closer to some people, but it's been a big burn lately.
Mercury in retrograde? Something in the air?  I dunno.
I want hugs.

In the interest of balance. :D

Today was gorgeous in the most...weird way.
I didn't go out until later, mostly because I was doing home based errands and tasks.  
I happened to step out the door late this afternoon to grab some stuff for dinner for us, and when I did I was greeted with fall.

I *love* fall.
Fall *here* is pretty excellent.  As much as we all know I love New Mexico, fall has an edge out here it just doesn't there.  Oranges, yellows, greens and reds.. the splash of crisp air and the way the leaves swirl in the wind.  
The constant thick grey clouds that have that way of getting you thinking, remembering...
That fierce wind that howls outside your window panes making sure you know it's there...
The piercingly cold drizzle that just appears on everything, as if it was always there and hadn't been falling from the sky.
The temperatures finally getting to that place where all you want to do is curl up with cider, a warm blanket, and someone you love and watch football.  Or go walking and shuffle in the leaves.  Or go on a hayride, pick apples and bake things.

I might be addicted to this season, but I also know how to make the best of it.
It's not just Thanksgiving and my birthday I look forward to. It's more days like this.
And I make my own little nearly october resolution to enjoy this season, whether alone or with people. 

I'd love to make the most of it. 
I'd love to try and fit every fall cliche in that I can.  From hot toddy to hayride, apple pie to haunted houses, hikes, photos and hot soup.
If anyone feels the same, maybe we can figure it out.

Why hello. :)
I felt like it was time to talk about real life.
Outside the thoughts and ideas.

Real life...has not been great or interesting, so I've kinda skipped talking about it a lot lately. 
You have a lot of time to think about other things when you're not getting enough hours at a job that's maddening with its social strata, strange and unethical rules, and dancing. 
I am actively ACTIVELY pursuing other work, as soon as possible.  I think I put out a dozen apps just today to other places.
I also may have a chance to switch to working in Schaumburg, which would be more lucrative for sure, provided I had more hours.  I haven't really researched it much, but I *think* it's about the same distance as I'm going now to get from Deerfield to Gurnee.
That's not my best option.  My best option involves no shacks, no crabs, and no Joe.  :P
(As one would suspect)

Truth be told, i'd realllly love to work for Trustmark, but as yet I haven't heard anything.   Followed up, don't worry.
The Groupon thing...I still love the idea, but they're not hiring like they thought they might be.
Gee, economy much?

What's kinda interesting is that I'm noticing that at work, I think sometimes I don't care enough if anyone likes me.  I think I'm probably the "bitchy quiet girl".  But to be honest, I've not been really motivated to change that.   Sure, there's regular restaurant gossip and pettiness, that's kinda the industry.  But...there it's more catty and more personal.  I don't feel like dealing with that kind of crap just to be liked.  
I'd say I have enough friends, but as of late, that doesn't seem so true.  I have better quality friends, for the most part.   The ones worth trying for anymore at least.

Sick of people feeling the need to be condescending and rude, especially when it's coming from people who are supposed to be friends.  Not havin' it, sorry.
Sick of the legalistic comments I'm getting from people who don't even know what the heck's been going on in my life, and just want to play pious. Don't.
Sick of the absentees, who I thought I'd come to an understanding with and somehow seem to be pulling the same crap.

I'd like to believe that what I'm seeing the past two weeks is just...some sort of mistake, but I'm afraid it's not. 
Aside from Patty and Cherie, who I love and adore, I'm just having trouble with people.
There's a lot of people I missed quite a bit while I was in NM.  Some people who I was talking to and felt like we were getting closer than we'd been in years...

I hoped when I got back, I'd be able to spend time with them.  Show them how much I had missed them, have a ton of fun times.  Because the thing I notice about the best friends I do have, like Patty, Lewis, Bill, Cherie et al is how easy it is.   So you've got a three hour trip turned six and an unhappy kiddo...it turns into good times.  So you have some sort of awkward weirdness surrounding an event, one hug and a few gentle words turn it into everything it should have been.   So you wish you could get some face time..someone makes a way....

I don't want to feel wrong just calling to ask if you want to come along somewhere.  I wouldn't *mind* being valued enough for the occasional cup of coffee.  Heck, I wouldn't mind if the years and the struggles counted for something.

I guess I've just got a grim outlook based on some things that have been happening lately.
I wish I got out of it a sliver of what I put into it with some people, though I know one can't expect those sorts of things.

I was hoping that by the time the leaves changed, I'd be thinking about happier things, like planning an awesome Chicago trip birthday like the ones in the past, with Doug and Aaron singing crazy tunes in the street, Leslie and Holly and Patty and I and our antics on carriage rides and with Tiffany's....
I'm not sure if that's a pipe dream or what. 
Right now I don't feel like doing it.
I look at pictures of last year's birthday.  Two days ahead of time, I asked a bunch of people I'd known for perhaps at best 2 or 3 years if they'd come celebrate with me.
And something like 18-20 people showed up at the Stage Door. Laughing, talking, bringing boyfriends and girlfriends. Eating, well wishing, going to the Cap afterwards.  
I was floored. I did NOT expect that kind of kindness from people I hadn't known very long.

Maybe I'm just not adjusting to here that well.
Maybe I need something to reaffirm my faith in people.
Maybe I need to go to bed.

I'm just restless, and lonely.  And i need a new job, and to start building back my life, first here, then later, where I want to be.

So it's a few days late, but meh, that's how it goes. You get grumpy, you get distracted, you don't post.  :D
This past weekend, of course, was Trevor's wedding.  
As it happens, instead of me finding some random way down there or not being down there at all, I was going.
Not only was *I* going, the entire Beotch Squad (self named, thank you) was going. Together.

Cherie couldn't go with Scott and Patty had to go with one of us, so on Friday afternoon, all of us headed out.   This involved me getting off work on time, having room in my car for the accoutrements that three girls need when going to a wedding, and making sure the car was prepared to safely carry not only the three of us, but our mascot, Aidan.  16 months old.  I always get way more nervous about a trip when there's a kid involved, only because..well, I just tend to be extra cautious.  Or extra worried AND extra cautious.

We got on the road later than I would have *preferred* but that's kinda the way it goes. Between traffic between Gurnee and Round Lake, and making sure everyone has everything...that kind of thing, it just happens.   We ended up having dinner at a Panera bread in an area of Chicago that Patty used to live in.  it was nice.   From the first moment we all were in the car headed out, I knew it was going to be fun.   Since I've come back we've only had a few meetings of the three of us, and every time it's been so excellent, despite rainy picnics where it took forever to light a fire or being short on time.  When you get a group of girls who really understand each other, can talk honestly, and are generally the same brand of unusual, things work out well.  You can air out all your issues, get all girly and silly, talk about relationships and life, or just be random and crazy without that fear that at least I sometimes have of people thinking you're an idiot.   (Random aside to say, OMG, can't people just accept people having fun?  I'm not about to act like a prim and proper adult every second of the day, deal with it)

Steve had been keeping up with us on the travel updates, so when we finally got there (after I once again missed at least one turnoff, if not two, as I tend to do in Champaign) and got checked in (complete with creepy peering guy outside our window) he was ready for us.  He'd gone out of his way to go and find us celebratory drinks, and though I thought it might be an issue, we managed to have a great time with the four of us laughing, goofing off and generally catching up. I got a chance to peek at his speech and as I've said before, it was pretty excellent.  I've seen pretty much everyone since I got back, but I don't think Steve had seen anyone in a long time, and vice versa.  He eventually took off, and we got down to the sleeping parts.

You ever notice how hotels are just always too hot or too cold? You can never control the temperature for long. It goes too far one way or another.  
The next day we woke up pretty early and went down to grab...interesting breakfast.   After that was a lot of procrastinating and then some getting dressed, because we had one pretty important stop pre-wedding.   DOS REALES!
I was excited about this, maybe not as much as Patty, but probably close.  I was also a little anxious because since I moved back from NM I've come to appreciate how good we had it out there and how many of the places out here don't really measure up.  Granted there's differences between straight Mexican and New Mexican cuisine, but either way...
Nope. Dos Reales is AWESOME.  Hands down.  And they had real authentic NM green chile sauce to go over excellent food.  I was very very happy.  
Aidan was extremely popular there. The waiters and waitresses would always come by and talk to him, play with him, and at his request, carry him around the store.   That kid's got the life. ;)

We hit up the Walgreens after finding the Arboretum (and remembering that at least Patty and I had been there before with Dan) and I hit Espresso Royale (one of MY favorite Champaign places) for some much needed caffeine right before the ceremony.  

Trevor looked amazing, and it was nice getting to talk to him before and after the ceremony. It was about the most perfect day for a wedding you could ask for.  Amazing blue skies, perfect temperature, and the Arboretum is GORGEOUS.  Their circle garden is arguably prettier and more constantly in bloom than the Chicago Botanical Gardens.   The bridesmaids dresses were gorgeous and Nikki looked amazing, suuuuch a pretty dress.    I was nervous beforehand, but it was a really excellent ceremony and I felt pretty welcomed by the time we headed to the reception tent.

The reception was also nice, though randomly my old next door neighbor from Sean's house was sitting right next to me.  Took me a while to figure out who he was and it turns out he married Trevor's aunt. Who knew? :P 
I admit, I didn't really dance.  I wasn't feeling dancy.  BUT I will say that the Irish Reel Dancing lessons were pretty cool.  It turned out looking like a lot of fun and definitely looked impressive and festive for the wedding.

The trip home was a little rough, but we managed.  :D
I hope everyone had a good time, and again congrats to teh Trevor and Nikki.  :)

I had the best table today at work.  From Las Cruces, NM.
They were laid back, not in a rush, and we talked about all sorts of NMy stuff.  I just had fun being around them.  
Homesickness didn't seem to factor in too badly. It was a nice time.  They were nice tippers too.

Tomorrow at OMG EARLY we have some sort of work meeting. Oh yeah.
And it's gonna be OMGEARLIER for those of us travelling from deerfield.  Blech. Bleargh. GRRR.

I miss my dad.  There's several levels to that statement, however I plan on visiting my "dad" pretty soon here. I wanted to today but I got off at too weird an hour during the day, think he'd have been on a run.

Thinking about the future, a little bummed I didn't hear from the job I wanted that's WAY closer today.  Not sure if that's the death knell there or not.

Loving band, and as a note to self NEED TO BUY REEDS FOR CLARINET BEFORE THURSDAY MMKAY!
( I forgot last week. I have *one* reed. no good)

Kinda restless, kinda lonely, thinking of people I want to be with that I am not.

A bit nervous about next weekend, as I'm going to a wedding I didn't think I'd be going to.   I am glad, but anxious. 
Buuuut my aunt and uncle are gonna be in town and I can hang out with them afterwards. 
I just hope this all goes ok.
*sigh*

Ok, well I should go to bed sometime before quarter to OMGEARLY.
GRRR!